2025 please be Kinder!!

I have wept on so many different levels, seriously like never before. This year I can sum it up in a nutshell by simply describing it as difficult, challenging and heartbreaking on so many different levels, be that professionally but more so personally.

I had to let things go, so my family can push through wholesomely. Our sync got disfunctioned to a point of it becoming overwhelmingly unbearable. This year I wish no repetition of it, not even to my greatest foes. Moments which showed people's true colours, strengths, pity and resilience during the hardest days ever. To the ones who stuck by THANK YOU, to the ones who cared less I pray for you.

2024, I thought you would be so much different. After battling mental health during my studies last year, especially battling around constant motherly guilt, I thought this year I would rest easy. The motherly guilt returned in the most fearful ways possible. The kind when your world stops and suffocates your breathing rhythm while it increases your heartbeat substantially to a breaking point.

January: Your beginnings were somewhat to the norm. Already peeping through with problems which back then were seen as minor everyday issues. New beginnings, new concepts and a fresh start, so we thought. However trouble was already there... Yes it was SOOOO there!!!

February: My solo, fun, girls only trip to Barcelona! The kind that you reconnect with friends and build greater understanding between one another. A mini trip that connected us closer, not knowing how much these friendships would eventually become a bigger blessing throughout my following months. Trouble you were here too.... Sadly very here indeed!

March: When trouble progressed into an unknown mystery. Lurking right from the beginning of the month, with eventful intervals leading us to our first visit to the Pediatrics Emergency right after my birthday dinner. Remembering now the panic attacks of taking that first blood test, the high fever, the fragile weight loss, the screams, the long wait, the medicine and the discharge, only to return back in a couple of days this time for a so not wanted but a very much needed stay.

April: Little did I know how Kamra works both ways! For my birthday this year I opted to donate money to Dr. Klown instead of chocolates! Here I was, celebrating a new teen in the presence of non other than the most polite, hard working and fabulous pediatrics team, including the smiles from Dr. Klown and the sorrows that room brought along with it. Endless junk food binging, countless sleepless nights, taking shifts on watch duty and learning how to support others while trying to stay strong for the whole team. This month I learnt so much and I got scared so much. I learnt about the friendships I needed to keep and the ones I need to avoid. I have learnt how to cry in silence and breakdown over the slightest sign of hope. This was the month that challenged me and made me feel guilty on so many levels. This has been by far always out of my total control but guilt remains till today! April I hate you today as much as I loved you for the past 12 years. You would never be seen the same way again.

May: A shimmer of a new normality lingering. Breaking down on every aspect while being supported by my spouse who like me has been scared, broken down and in fear. Trying to learn about how to change our lifestyle, how to adapt with new normalities and how to conquer back some sense of control. My world stopped! Nothing else mattered and till this day nothing else will ever matter more than my world. At the end of it, we got a green light with so many buts, ifs and maybes. A go ahead to take things slow and progress with ultimate caution. A step forward into bringing back some sort of light to the total darkness of it all.

June: You have no idea how much I have waited for you. Professionally I was struggling! My mind was at home together with my heart. 100% of it all, speculating if all is well without my presence, if there is a problem, if there is my need to leave. While I was blessed with support on so many professional level, my heart and mind was soley at home. I may have acted fine while at work and tried my hardest to be present at all costs, BUT truthfully I was not completely satisfied with my performance because although we finished up the scholastic year fantastically, something was still missing from my end. Guilty again, this time as a professional. Guilty of failing emotionally, guilty of failing to do better, guilty of failing in other personal commitments. Nevertheless, June gave us a lesson of resilience, especially through a young teenage who made the impossible possible simply to make a dream come true and attend Ed Sheeren's concert. Extremely weak, extremely fragile, extremely cautious.

July: When everything professionally took a halt for summer recess, my body gave in. The tension, the strength, the resilience...all became powerless as I felt numb, weak and at all costs unfit to carry on. When the tables turned and I needed care, a sense of change too. Not over yet again! A sense of will for independence pushed through, a sense of becoming the more knowledgeable other and of course a sense of acceptance this new norm. That was the true turning point.

August: Settling in this new dynamic relationship of juggling constant necessary appointments, meetings, testing and hearings, made my new lifestyle take a better understanding. I was able to process everything clearer and think straight. Guilt started slipping off slowly and I was ready to let everything take it's time to take place before the summer ends... Until!

September: Weighing in on wether I should go or not to my first ever 2 week journey, soley with my father, on a personal self-journey, brought back that motherly guilt. Just before heading abroad, with full support from my dynamic duo, we got furthermore news. News of more uncertainty, news of new buts, ifs and unanswered questions. Ready to let everything go and stay behind, my duo begged me to leave. My spouse, battling his own personal struggles, demanded I forget everything at our household and let him take the wheel soley incharge for two weeks. Unbearable of leaving without answered questions but I left to a 300km walk of self reflection, to reconnect with myself so I can carry on forward with taking care of business at home. I wept some more but I returned emotionally stronger, knowing that my duo were doing great together especially with the daily challenges I left behind. September the month I had to reduce, let go and take a stand in declining any personal commitments although they gave me a sense of personal pleasure and pride. Time for it all will come again but for now it is not it.

October: The beginning of a new scholastic year, the month when things started to fall better into place. Here I am, refocused, regenerated and confident that my normality has now changed because this time I am in a better place. My personal professional commitments I still miss dearly, but time will come again when all will return. For now it is my home first, professionally second and self care hand in hand while doing both.

November: Quieter until the Barcelona chaos which was supposedly to be the first relaxing vacay! However as 2024 was not over yet with testing my inner strength, it triggered my mental health on overdrive causing panic attacks instability and heightening my anxiety to an element of alert. Reached back the island in full glory hallelujah, until another medical visit which gave us a chance to understand the next steps ahead while also waiting impatiently for the upcoming events ahead. Shortly after, different bugs reached different souls in this household and at work. Clean freak mode activation but nothing stopped the duo from falling ill. Back to square one with mealtime anxieties and back to square one with motherly guilt. It's my fault... It always is... It will always be... Because no matter how much I try to understand, the mind and heart have no closure to the yet ongoing events.

December: Looking better and here it is in hopes of it being the last event of misfortunes for this year. Please let there be no more repeats or new surprises other than the positive attributes of this 2024 year. The luggage is ready for the next intervention but PLEASE let it reflect the hard, determined work which we have been doing.

In 2025 I wish to have more peace with my inner self, less self guilt and less heartbreaks. May the year 2025, take from this year the strong family bonds we have built through resilience and understanding, together with the unforgettable friendships that have strengthened us tighter through it all. Please 2025, all I ask is to be kinder.