The Weight of My Own Mind

Lately I have not been myself!! It is something I struggle with ever so often especially during certain months, days or because of certain moments. I end up in an overwhelming situation in which fear can spiral further on. Nevertheless knowing that I have my full support network close by is truly what keeps me grounded and more so blessed.

I am tired of the emotions which keep putting me down because I tend to overthink. Sleepless nights with overwhelming headaches and heartaches leading to crying myself to rest at ease. Showing this side of myself I know it is strength, but even this at times is hard to comprehend. I learnt to let go of so many but certain days the trauma returns. It is more than just surface level! Days in which you feel like not getting out of bed, or scroll in the void on the phone. At times some days are harder than others because there is no explanation. It just happens...it is just there!

That sense of purpose and joy you share with those around you are not easily echoed back ever so often. The triggers? Anything from a simple good or bad day can set off, however my biggest trouble is me in my own head with my own thoughts. How do I get here? How do I get out? Different strategies work on different days but eventually I know that it is temporary. That guilty feeling which lurks in because of childhood trauma or an outburst urge which becomes overprotective, creeps by through fear. I may never understand the what and how, but I never want anyone to know that they are alone.

My anxieties have been skyrocketing, brain fog has increased and emotionally drained. There are hidden secrets in every hello, goodbye, smile, hug or embrace. Flexibility in prioritising life, work, friendships, relationships and oneself helps me recharge. However when low, I require peace..... peace in mind....physical peace and emotional inner peace. It is not you, it not them... it is not who, it is not why, it is not how....it is a process. The opportunities to challenge hardships for clear understandings which give you pride in the future. I have been in this space before and eventually I know I will get out, but it is a bugger. That feeling hard on yourself for no reason because you have exhausted all your possibilities is temporary I know...but the mojo is below any motivation.

How to recharge? Getting things done right? First step is the hardest one because a whole lot rely on my shoulder. It feels like time is running too fast and the to do list is never ending. Balancing social life, work related commitments, family love and studying become overwhelming on different levels. How to prioritise? I place my family top priority and although they are the most supportive ones I still tend to feel I am missing out. Missing out on growth, values and motivation. I get so tired that when it is family time I just snooze and I lose. Socially this year has been actively on so many different aspects. From celebrating milestones to meet and greets, quick chats and longer ones. I love it but it is a distraction....a beautiful one and a much needed one too. However it is than when I feel lost in keeping up with my studies or feel like I am not doing enough at work. In reality I know I am BUT I know there is more to me when I am not in the cycle of funk.

Moving forward... peace at mind is harder to conquer. It is the little things that set me off and the bigger things that make me reflect. I value time with others but I need time to refocus, regenerate and understand that at times my worries are outside my control. I am human, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend. Those around me who know me understand me profoundly and they will help me get back on track BUT it starts with me. Shut down, prioritise a me day, regenerate by not doing anything because that is how something is created.

Sparking out little fires is harder on such moments in times but eventually it is a space I know I will get out of. Surprising I will also get bored of not being in this headspace too. It is a mechanism that likes to feed on my worry, overtime thoughtful processes and critical points of helplessness. A cycle which keeps rotating and comprehending good and bad days.

As lost as you are reading this so am I, but it shows you how you are noLatley I have not been myself!! It is something I struggle with ever so often especially during certain months, days or because of certain moments. I end up in an overwhelming situation in which fear can spiral further on. Nevertheless knowing that I have my full support network close by is truly what keeps me grounded and more so blessed.

I am tired of the emotions which keep putting me down because I tend to overthink. Sleepless nights with overwhelming headaches and heartaches leading to crying myself to rest at ease. Showing this side of myself I know it is strength, but even this at times is hard to comprehend.

I learnt to let go so many but certain days the trauma returns. It is more than just surface level! Days in which you feel like not getting out of bed, or scroll in the void on the phone. At times some days are harder than others because there is no explanation. It just happens...it is just there!

That sense of purpose and joy you share with those around you are not easily echoed back ever so often. The triggers? Anything from a simple good or bad day can set off, however my biggest trouble is me in my own head with my own thoughts. How do I get here? How do I get out? Different strategies work on different days but eventually I know that it is temporary.

That guilty feeling which lurks in because of childhood trauma or an outburst urge which becomes overprotective, creeps by through fear. I may never understand the what and how, but I never want anyone to know that they are alone. I need to prove nothing to no one not even myself. I shall conquer this with self love and endless puppy cuddles. In the meantime hang tight out there.