Am I truly ready to get back?

Every new journey is daunting and every new beginning has challanges. Never did I expect to embark on and bounce back to studying this quickly after my Bachelor's Degree. Look at me today, starting my first official lecture of my second year in my Masters of Arts in ECEC. After finishing my degree I was done for, full of emotions and said no more. I was cooked, emotionally exhauste, physically drained and I wanted to do nothing else and nothing more! Fast forward to now and it is a totally different outcome. How is it, that I am about to step into something I said I never do, or at least thought I was never capable of doing ever again and now I am in my second year of? I must admit, I am not yet fully there with controlling my feelings on whether to continue or stop, but I am taking it day by day until I figure things out.

Nevertheless I con not dismiss the mixed feelings of today, because as I submitted my final assignment last year, I looked in the void with no heavy thoughts on my head other than endless relief. I am not ready yet to set the ball rolling, on the worldwide of emotions which I know I will endure.

I still have lots of research to read, with a potential to dwell into a research study that might be heavier than my initial decision. However all this I know would make an impact to my ECEC workforce one day. Stepping into this weird feeling of total numbness and confusion, because I truly know what a rollercoaster my first year was. Not due to lack of support because I can assure you there was tenfold. It was and is always me, myself and I. Lost in self-doubt, overthinking and justified emotional breakdowns, I am both cursed and blessed with a mind that never stops. A brain which never sits still and is always pretentious of the next step. That urge which sets my fire, fades with the littlest upsets, not because of those around me but because of the inner battles within me.

Heading soon into my first lecture for Year 2 - like literally will be online is a few minutes, is bitter sweet. I know I will miss my somewhat relaxed free evenings and days for the next scholastic year. My predictions of what the year will hold, are already settling into concern, eventhough I know they might be miniscules compared to other bigger things. My relationships will once again take a backseat....the family, the friends, the relatives and yes even that within my ownself. Honestly.... I am not ready for that. This place my head gets in, is annoying, frustrating and a cause of unnecessary worries. I know it always starts this way and I know somehow it will tag along with happier memories. Until then, the "BUT" is still there.

I still do not feel confident nor ready. Ashamed? Not the slightest...BUT at the same time I can not shrug off this feeling until I commit to my final decision. Knowing there is a way out is what keeps me going and pushing through but knowing that doing this for no professional gain is what is pushing me back. It is like a tug of war between whether I should forget about it because it would not effect my working position and that of continuing on to make my inner child stand proud.

How does this feeling go away? It doesn't! There is that inner tone, voice, emotional impact, pacing through my soul and mind constantly. It feels very raw, vulnerable, introspective, and honest. It is like standing at the edge of something I am trulu passionate and proud of but still genuinely unsure about. The emotional conflict simultaneously wants me to persevere, continue and carry on. Yet again it feels like I need a permission in wanting to stop. This tension comes through very clearly but it also confuses me every single time. There is this recurring feeling of mental exhaustion, like my brain constantly anticipating the next problem, while another part of me keeps pushing forward. I know I can do it, but the question is, do I really need or have too?

Once the motion gets rolling I believe I would be fine....more than fine! It is the initial decision to go on, which requires it to be fully processed by time. The lectures are always memorable in many ways than one thinks. I need to remind myself of the interesting topics, the funny messages behind the scenes and above all the eye rolls or face drops which make it worth while. I may not be ready yet to let go of my comfort because I do not wish to face the reality of what is next to come. Be what it may, I am getting in and take decisions as I go. It may be the first, it may be the last, it may be the step I need to push me more. Until I figure things out I am logging in. We will see how it goes and I am not afraid to face the music either way. Best of luck to all who are balancing things and making ends meet. One day we will look back and say "I did that!" and it would be another written chapter amongst the hundred others.