I Wonder...

And here I am, ready to reflect about what is next and to realise that in reality everything was always totally up to wonder. After these past two scholastic years, in which my mind was constantly draining with thoughts related to my studies, I now find myself in a wider space of wonder.

I wonder what would have happened if I haven't plucked up the courage to press the send button, during that impulsive decision when applying for my degree after 10 Years of absence from lectures, assignments and schooling? Would I have forgotten all about it and simply moved on with my not so normal routine? Or would I have kept the thought dragging me into regret of not trying? Would I have done it without that push from Christine, Clayton, Stephanie, Joyce, Luca, Lawrence and Anne-Marie?

I wonder if being open to new challenges was ever the best thing for my own well-being during a time in which my family needed me most? Would I have been a better version of myself and to my loved ones? Would I have been a better mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter? Would it have made a difference in how my household looks like after a huge house renovation? Could I have juggled everything differently? Was I reaching a point of no return?

I wonder what it would have been like if I was too sure about my decisions? Would my ego have sprung into overdrive? Would I have closed off any opportunities to learn more? Or would I have been more assertive and driven? Could it be that I would have participated less rather than talk more? Would I have been taken back by being inactive during participation? Or did I balance what my heart and mind was pushing me on what to say and do?

I wonder what it would feel like now, if I never joined that first online lecture. Would it have been better off into signing out rather than in? Would I have had less struggles into making new connections? Would I have felt less weight on my shoulder or less judged for starting over again? Maybe I should have left my microphone switched off or pretended I was just an audience member or was I courageous to take the plunge with my first introductions?

I wonder how many times I could have failed into meeting up with a deadline? Would I have remained pushing through or would I have stopped and quit? Would I have simply given up on myself? Or would have I accepted myself as I am without anything else to prove? Did I struggle with keeping a soft balance? Was I truthful to who I was?

I wonder what my lecturers, colleagues and classmates thought of my persistent personality? If it was ever too much of a presence, a burden, an annoyance or a simple sigh of relief. Was I overbearing with so many questions and replies? Did I hinder or help, or simply opened up too much that I seemed like a showoff? Did I get on anyone's nerves? Or was I a talkative advocate for what is just or missing in this field? Maybe at times I came across rude and abnoxius, or did I show how truly passionate I am about this profession?

I wonder what my son got out of my experience? Was I a positive role-model showing him how to never give up on a dream? Or was my negativity effecting his chances of ever perusing his own studies because of my whining and whinging? Did I let him believe that mental health problems are realistic? Or did I just model how to constrain emotions and take it out on the ones we love most? Did I include him enough in my journey? Did I thank him enough for picking me up when I was shattered in million pieces?

I wonder if I never got the support I needed, if I would have made it this far to the end? Would I have been battling with constant thoughts of why I was never given an opportunity? Or would I have simply given up on a dream to persevere?

I wonder if this course wasn't bound with a hefty price tag, if I would have eliminated all other possibilities and just gave up? Would I have thrown the towel in during the first obstacle I encountered along this long journey? Did the lump sum of money constrain my decision and narrowed it down due to financial guilt? Or was it a safety net to keep me going and looking forward instead of backwards?

I wonder if my grades were not as great, if I would have given up on this chapter and ended it all then? Or would I have thrived to still achieve what I have learnt? Would my shift in paraphrasing, references or structure have made a difference? Did my self doubt or lack of motivation constrain me from doing any better? Did I push myself for the best or was I truly happy with all that I did?

I wonder if I had more time on my hands. Would this experience have be more appreciated and enjoyable? Would it have given me more strength to work even harder or would it have opened a path for me to divert in more wonder? Would I have kept up with deadlines, my attendance and presence? Or would I have lost control and sight of it all?

I wonder if my teaching practice was done differently, in a new setting, with a different team, parents and students. Would it have given me an insight of what is more out there or would it have made me feel guilty of missing out in the pleasures of my own class? Would I have felt overwhelmed with guilt of leaving my brood for my own success? Or would I have gained more experience in a different timeline and scenario?

I wonder if I haven't cried tears during my dissertation. Does it mean I would have been doing something wrong or was I too hard on myself? Did the tears signify sorrow, stress, relief or more? Could it be possible that my body was restraining my mind until it got to a point of outreach, in which my eyes teared up in gallons?

I wonder now that I await for my latest news on my grades, did I do it right? Did I miss out on something? Did I really do my best? Was it enough? Could have I been better? Is it over? Was it what I was expecting? How do I feel about it? Did I accomplish what I started? Did I alter my perspective? Did it go the way I wanted it?

I wonder if this would have been different even I didn't make friends along the way? Would it have been easier to just stick in being a lonewolf? Am I truly blessed with the connections I have really made? Will I ever be able to thank them for keeping up with me? Can I ever truly forget them? Are we ever going to meet up again?

For what it's worth my wonder will keep wondering and my thoughts would keep whirling on the what if, but how and why's. After all the physical, mental and emotional challenges and opportunities, this journey have given me more wonder to ponder.

What is next? How will I go? When can it happen? Where will it take me?

If you are wondering whether or not the next step is the right or wrong way, remember that you would never know until you decide which way you wish to stir your own wonder.

For you see, in my world in which I constantly wonder, I am capable of dreaming the impossible but even more so I am capable of doing it all and have a story to tell.