The Silent Absence

In the beginning of the scholastic year we all peep into that scholastic year calendar. Most of us to book flights, plan the year ahead, preorder gifts in advance and of course get an idea of the days we will be present at work to mentally settle down with all those oohsss, aahhhss and uggghhss. I do it too! By the end of term 2, like anyone else, I looked at the same calendar and thought to myself how April and May are two of the longest months ahead. Mentally preparing myself for the tiredness to start kicking in, the heat pumping and of course the transitions which need to be tackled. Breathing in, I entered the first two days after Easter recess and my world stopped in a heartbeat the next day.

It has been a rocky few months. Who am I kidding it has been the WORST!!! Starting exactly on 1st March 2024. Something was not right, I could sense it but tried hard to ignore it and continue on. Days passed by and still something felt odd. Weeks rolled in and still there was no peace. Birthdays took place, celebrations commenced, meetings continued and life just followed along. But it was always "off"!

Taking a stand and going to the Emergency Department was our last hope into trying to salvage this uneasy feeling. Bloodtests were taken, medications were prescribed and after 9 hours in, we were sent home. Home! Thinking that here all will start getting better. Before we could say any "Hallelujah", a trip back to the Emergency Department was due. This time we had to stay. The pain, the tests, the results were not positive enough to be let go. The fear escalated in a heartbeat and my body became numb instantly. Through all of this in the midst of the night, I texted a message to say that I was not reporting for work the next day and possibly even more. Never did I think it had to take this long BUT it had too.

Late at night we were admitted in a single room, feeling the weight on our shoulders and the fear kept us awake all morning and night. We couldn't sleep, we only pondered on the why, the buts and the whats. Professionals seeking for answers one test after the other, which eventually narrowed it down to the probability of the cause but still unaware of the hows. More tests, more patience, more heartbreaks. The dedication of the medical team kept it realistic even during all the scares, the cries and the impossibly possibilities. The more time spent in the hospital, the more I could connect the similarities about the two vocational works of a medical and educational team, making me miss my profession and worry on how I left without much explanations to those around me.

In the back of my mind, work was somewhat there but for the majority of it all I was absent in all sense. Blocking anything other than medical reports, testing, treatments, recovery and well-being became forefront. Lots on our shoulders! I had no time to think otherwise than focus, act cautiously and be brave not for myself only but for the others around me too. I cried myself to sleep before waking up again to the sound of the machines beeping for refills, perimeter check ups and of course from nightmares that became permanent residents with every shut eye. Failing to comprehend how life randomly normalised needle pricks, medical terminologies and juggling mental health, and how the latter took over the messy paints, spontaneous giggles and carefree embraces.

No spare time to think of what work looked like with me gone for so long. Little answers to all the questions of what was happening, to which most I still have to yet learn. Limited on how and what to share because the story is delicate, sensitive and not solely mine to share. For this, our absence had to be in silence and for that we are grateful for the supportive response in return. As much as I love my career and I strive wholeheartedly, no career would ever take place my world and the priorities it genuinely holds. Moving away from the things you love doing is hard, BUT doing it all for those who you love most is easier than any ABC or 123.

So with this I conclude by thanking the ones who through this turmoil have been and are still checking in, picking up the pieces and above all understand respectfully the necessary silent absence.